One and Overwhelmed

When my family is here (visiting), I allow my heart to expand to its fullest capacity to make sure that all needs are met, all requests are granted and all days are happily spent. And while it is extremely rewarding it is also just as exhausting - with a one year old nonetheless that has the sugar rush energy of a candy bar.  

MY ONE YEAR OLD!
I'm so proud of her! ♥

Amidst the joy of having Mandarin turn one so many things go into a day with her that I need to remind myself to be present. 

Which now, as I write the word present I am brought into this moment of being with her and realize it is the next best gift (after a mother's love) I can give her. To simply be with her without having to split my mind into a thousand multi-tasking drones. 

Because when days feel like a routine-heavy program with no override command and thus cannot be disabled, I can easily lose a day in schedules. Wake. Play. Puree fruit for baby.  Breakfast. Feed. Dishes. Laundry. Bath time. Nap. Prepare Lunch. Eat. Dishes. Diapers. Head out with visiting family. Play. Coffee. Diapers. Milk. Dinner. Diapers. Sleep??

Never mind if you’re tired or have a headache or that you’re not getting enough sleep at night because for some odd reason Mandarin wants to climb and lie on top of me in the middle of the night  or deflate Daddy’s left lung  with high kick, mid-snore at 4am. 

Be present.

Such, is the joy of co-sleeping. I do constantly get to smell her, which I LOVE (because i’ve been addicted to her baby scent since birth). And I do love waking next to her.

That's right. Be present. 

Still, in spite of it all, off day or not there are priceless rewards. In the way Mandarin responds to my parents, how she loves them and the quiet and loud moments they share together. And in the way she makes them laugh. That’s priceless. There goes my heartstrings. Pulled past sappy sentimentalism. 

Then there is THE party. Today at 1pm! The birthday party which I am terrified no one will show up in because no one rsvp’s anymore and even if I’ve estimated an X amount of guests and ordered an X amount of food I somehow feel I’m in for a surprise. I am lost in the rambling details of party trays, decorations, japanese tissue paper, tape and glue. 

Thank you, Vintage Ice Cream Parlor idea for driving me waaay past the delineation of crazy. I have a few hours to execute my daughter’s first birthday party. I’m excited to celebrate with friends and family and a little anxious because I’ve never held a party with so many details before - and not as important and meaningful as my daughter’s.  

The small calm oasis in me tells me that it should all be good. Keep calm and carry on. On the flip side and as an offshoot of this party I do have two DIY posts lined up! Coming up soon  when if  sanity settles back into the household. 

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Mandarin Turns ONE!

It’s 12:01 am and as I write this we are only three and half hours shy of my little girl turning a year old!  She is sleeping peacefully next to me in her light blue polka dot and sundae print  pj’s, and probably doesn’t even have a clue how far she’s come in the past year.  She is sweet and loving, vibrant and full of life and unexpectedly funny. What a personality she has for such a young age!  She has grown so much in a year’s time; I am in awe of how much she’s taught me about life - being present in the moment and savoring the small things (more lessons learned with her than all the Zen books I’ve ever read).  As she’s learning to cope with the fast-paced world that surrounds her, I am in turn learning how to slow things down to be in the moment with my Mandarin.

♥

First picture!
A Birthday Photo!

Because as every parent would say. They grow so fast. 

My Dad trying to catch a glimpse of his first grandchild! 

♥

We adore you. 

I used to read this poem aloud to her throughout my pregnancy. Every time I did, I’d think of how her tiny heart was beating inside my belly and how the miracle of life has made it possible for two hearts to beat in a single body in the shared rhythm of motherhood and pregnancy. I know she felt my words as I read it aloud to her. 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

                                  i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings

We became a family.

And my heart. She has it. She doesn’t know it yet, but  it is she that carries my heart now.  I’ve given it willingly so my love will be with her all her life. Always. 

♥

Happy Birthday, my LOVE. You are my sunshine - the light the brings me joy. 

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